The Spectrum of Codependence
Relationships are a core part of being human. But the way we relate to others can sometimes become unbalanced. One concept that often comes up in therapy is codependence — commonly misunderstood, but deeply important to explore.
Learn more on our Services page about healing options for codependency
The Spectrum: From Codependence to Antidependence
Think of relationship styles on a spectrum:
Codependence - - - - - - - - Interdependence - - - - - - - - Anti-dependence
At the healthy center is interdependence — a balance of being able to rely on yourself and on others. Interdependence means you’re capable of handling your own needs and emotions, and also feel comfortable turning to people you trust for support, comfort, and connection.
On the extremes, we have:
Codependence: Overly reliant on others for comfort, decision-making, identity, or self-worth, with difficulty trusting yourself.
Antidependence: Excessive self-reliance, avoiding or rejecting help, struggling to let anyone close.
What Does Codependence Look Like?
Codependence isn’t simply “caring too much.” It’s a pattern of depending on others to fill emotional needs that ideally come from a balance of self-trust and healthy connection.
Some signs include:
Lack of trust in self: Constantly needing reassurance or internalizing others' opinions rather than developing your own.
Emotional security through others: Relying heavily on others to soothe anxiety or distress, feeling lost when they’re unavailable.
Lack of capability: Doubting your ability to care for yourself or handle challenges alone.
Lack of identity: Absorbing others’ interests, dislikes, or viewpoints without knowing your own.
People pleasing: Fear of disappointing or upsetting others.
Porous boundaries: Both overextending yourself to others (taking on crises) and hoping others will overextend to you (the hope that others will see your struggle and help rather than you needing to ask directly).
Difficulty naming wants/needs: Struggling to know or voice what you want, often with shame or fear.
“Lesser than” mentality: Low self-esteem, deferring decisions to others, feeling unlovable or unworthy.
What About Anti-dependence?
At the other extreme is anti-dependence, which can look like the opposite but often comes from a similar root fear — vulnerability and disappointment.
Signs might include:
Trust only in self: Rarely seeking input, dismissing others’ viewpoints.
Emotional security by staying closed: Keeping thoughts and feelings private to feel safe.
Strong independent identity: Often unmoved by others’ reactions, which can be healthy — or rigid.
Over-capable but uncomfortable receiving: Confident in caring for self, but uneasy letting others in to comfort or help
Rigid boundaries: Limits that may be harsh or disproportionate to the situation, limited capacity to give to others.
Difficulty naming wants/needs: Often does not ask at all, perhaps due to early experiences of unmet needs. May see others expression of wants or needs as “needy” or “too much.”
“Better than” mentality: Seeing one’s views as superior, potentially trying to change or control others.
What Does Interdependence Look Like?
Interdependence is the sweet spot in the middle — a secure, balanced way of relating where you can rely on yourself and allow others in. Here’s how that might show up:
🔍 Trust in self
Reassurance primarily comes from within. When you doubt yourself, a healthy internal voice can calm and ground you. You express your own opinions and hold true to your values, even if they differ from people you care about.
💪 Capability
You believe you are capable. You try to problem-solve on your own, but don’t hesitate to ask for help if you struggle. You can rely on yourself when it makes sense, and lean on trusted others when needed — a natural, flexible balance.
🚦 Boundaries
Boundaries are clear yet flexible. You aren’t afraid to say no when something doesn’t serve you, doing so with kindness and steadiness. When you set a boundary, it isn’t reactive or intense — it’s simply a fact about what you can or can’t offer.
💬 Needs & wants
There’s no shame in naming what you want or need. You’re comfortable both giving and receiving. You understand that others may not always be able to meet your needs — and if you feel hurt by this, you know how to care for yourself through it.
🧠 Functional mentality
You recognize that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, feelings, and boundaries. You accept that it’s not your job to change or fix that for them — nor is it their job to change or fix you.
If you’re ready to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and others, reach out today! Book your complimentary consultation here.
Healing is possible. And you don’t have to keep fighting this battle alone.
Visit Bloom Psychological Services to learn more or schedule a consultation.
