Attachment Styles and Eating Disorders: How Your Earliest Relationships Shape Your Relationship with Food
Written by Dr. Kait Rosiere, Licensed Psychologist and Eating Disorder Specialist in Orlando, FL
The way you relate to other people — how you seek closeness, handle conflict, express needs, and cope when you feel disconnected — didn’t start in adulthood. It started in your earliest relationships. The patterns you developed as a child to stay safe, loved, and connected became your attachment style, and they follow you into every significant relationship you have, including your relationship with food.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, understanding your attachment style can be one of the most powerful tools for making sense of why you do what you do — not just with food, but in your relationships, your emotional life, and the way you see yourself. This post is a deep dive into each of the four attachment styles: what they are, how they form, what they sound like from the inside, and how they connect to disordered eating.
What Is Attachment Style?
Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, proposes that we are hard-wired for connection. We need it to survive.
As infants, we depend on our caregivers for survival — not just physical survival, but emotional survival.
The way our caregivers respond to our cries, our need for comfort, and our distress creates a blueprint for how we deal with our future relationships: Are my needs valid? Will someone come when I call? Is it safe to feel? Am I too much? Am I enough?
The lessons we learn are known as the internal working model — a set of deeply held, often unconscious beliefs about yourself, others, and what you can expect from close relationships. This working model becomes your attachment style, and it shapes how you navigate conflict, vulnerability, and connection in your life.
The Two Dimensions: Attachment Anxiety and Attachment Avoidance
Research suggests that attachment styles can be understood along two dimensions:
Attachment anxiety: how much you worry about being abandoned, rejected, or not loved enough.
High attachment anxiety means you’re hyper-vigilant of signs others are pulling away. You may seek constant reassurance. Low attachment anxiety means you generally trust that you’re valued and that your relationships are stable.
Attachment avoidance reflects how comfortable you are with emotional closeness and allowing yourself to rely on others. High attachment avoidance means you tend to withdraw closeness, shut down your feelings, and rely on being independent (not someone else). Low attachment avoidance means you’re comfortable with closeness and can depend on others without feeling threatened.
Every person falls somewhere on these two dimensions, and the combination creates your attachment style:
Secure attachment = low anxiety + low avoidance
Anxious attachment = high anxiety + low avoidance
Avoidant attachment = low anxiety + high avoidance
Disorganized attachment = high anxiety + high avoidance
Secure Attachment
Low anxiety, low avoidance — comfortable with closeness and confident in your worth
How It Forms
Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, emotionally attuned, and available. This doesn’t mean perfect — it means good enough. The caregiver doesn’t have to get it right every time. What matters is that when the child is distressed, the caregiver generally shows up — soothing, validating, and communicating through actions: I see you. Your feelings make sense. You’re safe with me.
The child learns that emotions are manageable, that needs are valid, and that reaching out for support is likely to be met with care. Over time, these experiences create an internal sense of security: I am worthy of love, and I can trust that others will be there for me.
What It Sounds Like
“I feel comfortable depending on people I’m close to, and I’m okay with them depending on me. I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about whether my partner really loves me or whether they’re going to leave. I can share how I’m feeling without it being a big deal. When there’s a conflict, I trust we’ll work it out.”
What It Worries About
People with secure attachment still experience normal relational concerns — fear of loss, sadness during conflict, uncertainty in new relationships. But these worries don’t escalate into panic, obsessive thinking, or emotional shutdown. There’s an underlying trust that the relationship can hold difficulty and that repair is possible.
Common Relationship Patterns
Securely attached people tend to communicate needs directly, don’t feel threatened when given feedback, give and receive support comfortably, and navigate conflict without jumping to the worst case scenario. They can be close without losing themselves, and independent without feeling abandoned. Relationships generally feel stable, mutual, and safe.
Desire for Connection
Moderate and balanced. Securely attached people desire closeness and seek it out, but they don’t need constant reassurance to feel okay. They can tolerate temporary distance or separation without it triggering a crisis, because they carry an internalized sense of being valued.
Anxious Attachment (Preoccupied)
High anxiety, low avoidance — craves closeness and is terrified of losing it
How It Forms
Anxious attachment typically develops when caregivers are inconsistently responsive. Sometimes the parent is warm, attuned, and loving. Other times they’re distracted, overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, or preoccupied with their own needs. The child never knows which version of the caregiver they’re going to get.
This unpredictability teaches the child that love exists but can’t be counted on. The child learns to stay hyper-vigilant. They learn to read the room, others, and prepare for signs of connection or disconnection. When they sense disconnection, anxiety often sets in and emotions rise — signaling distress. The underlying message becomes: Love is available but unreliable. If I try harder, perform better, or need louder, maybe I can make it stay.
What It Sounds Like
“I hate that I do, but I need a lot of reassurance. I can’t help but scan for signs that someone is pulling away — a delayed text, a shift in tone, a moment of distance. I tend to spiral inside. When I feel disconnected from someone I love, it’s all I can think about. I know I can come across as ‘too much’ or ‘too needy.’ More than anything, I wish I could stop, but I’m so anxious that I can’t.
What It Feels Like
A deep, persistent need for closeness and reassurance that never quite feels satisfied. Emotions can feel intense and change at an uncomfortable pace — one moment of perceived distance can trigger a flood of anxiety, self-doubt, and despair. There’s often a painful sense of being on the outside looking in, wondering if you’re truly loved or just tolerated. The body often carries this as a knot in the stomach, racing heart, or restless energy that won’t settle.
What It Worries About
Abandonment. Rejection. Not being enough. Being “too much.” That people will eventually leave once they see the real you. That love is conditional and can be withdrawn at any time. That if you stop working hard to earn closeness, it will disappear. That silence means someone is angry, and distance means you’ve done something wrong.
Common Dysfunctional Patterns
People-pleasing and over-giving to maintain connection, then resenting when it isn’t reciprocated
Protest behaviors — calling or texting repeatedly, making bold statements, or creating conflict to finally get a response
Difficulty self-soothing; relying heavily on others for emotional regulation
Losing yourself in relationships — abandoning your own needs, interests, and identity to keep someone close
Jealousy, feeling or acting in a posessive way, or constantly comparing yourself to perceived threats
Neutral situations lead you to jump to worst case scenario (“They didn’t text back, so they must not care”)
Difficulty being alone; panic or distress when not in a relationship
How It Impacts Relationships
Anxiously attached people often pursue closeness in ways that may feel overwhelming for partners, especially avoidant partners — creating the classic anxious-avoidant trap where one person pursues and the other retreats. Unconsciously, you may choose someone who is emotionally unavailable partners (recreating the inconsistent caregiver dynamic), or stay in unhealthy relationships far too long because the fear of being alone outweighs the pain of being mistreated. Relationships often feel intense, consuming, and emotionally exhausting.
Desire for Connection
Very high. Anxiously attached people feel a deep need for connection. The drive for closeness is strong and persistent, but it’s fueled by fear rather than security. The desire isn’t just “I want to be close to you” — it’s “I need to be close to you to feel okay.”
Avoidant Attachment (Dismissive)
Low anxiety, high avoidance — self-reliant and uncomfortable with closeness
How It Forms
Avoidant attachment typically develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, invalidating or dismissive of the child’s feelings, or reward independence over vulnerability. The parent may have been physically present but emotionally absent — checking out, minimizing the child’s distress (“You’re fine, stop crying”), or responding to emotions with discomfort or irritation. Some avoidant attachment develops in families that highly value self-sufficiency, stoicism, or “toughness.”
The child learns that emotions are a burden and will be met with rejection or dismissal — meaning the safest strategy? To handle things alone.
Alternatively, avoidant attachment can develop in families where the parent is overly involved in their child’s emotional world, too open (“we tell each other everything”), or relies on the child for their own emotional regulation. The child learns that sharing emotions invites intrusion, they are responsible for their parent’s emotions (at the expense of their own), and being independent means hurting someone they love. All of which are impossible to reconcile.
The underlying message becomes: My emotions are too much for others - so I’ll shut them down. No one is coming. I need to take care of myself.
What It Sounds Like
“I don’t really need people that much. I’m most comfortable on my own. When things get too emotional or intense in a relationship, I shut down or pull away. I don’t like feeling dependent on anyone — it makes me feel trapped. I’d rather handle things myself than ask for help. People tell me I’m hard to read or emotionally distant, but honestly, it just feels normal to me.”
What It Feels Like
A sense of self-sufficiency that can feel like strength but often masks deep loneliness underneath. Emotional numbness or flatness in situations that “should” feel more intense. Discomfort when people get too close, express strong emotions, or expect emotional reciprocity. A quiet tension between wanting connection somewhere deep down and feeling suffocated by it. The body may carry this as tightness in the chest, a sense of being “walled off,” or a persistent low-grade restlessness.
What It Worries About
Losing autonomy. Being engulfed, controlled, or smothered. Being seen as weak or needy. Having to depend on someone who might let you down. Being trapped in emotional situations you can’t escape or control. Underneath the self-reliance, there’s often a buried fear: If I let people in, I’ll be disappointed or hurt — so it’s safer not to.
Common Dysfunctional Patterns
Emotional withdrawal during conflict — shutting down, stonewalling, or leaving the room
Minimizing or intellectualizing emotions (“It’s not a big deal”) instead of actually feeling them
Keeping relationships at arm’s length — staying busy, keeping things surface-level, or compartmentalizing
Difficulty identifying or naming your own emotions (alexithymia)
Criticizing partners for being “too emotional” or “too needy” as a way to maintain distance
Serial dating, avoidance of labels, or ending relationships when they start to deepen
Prioritizing work, fitness, or other solitary pursuits over relational connection
How It Impacts Relationships
Avoidantly attached people often attract anxiously attached partners, creating the pursuer-distancer dynamic. They may appear emotionally unavailable, cold, or uncommitted — not because they don’t care, but because closeness triggers their attachment system in ways that feel dangerous. Partners often feel shut out, lonely in the relationship, or like they’re always the one reaching. Because the avoidant person tends to feel more comfortable with distance, they are less likely to self-reflect on their role in creating distance and relational insecurity.
Desire for Connection
Suppressed but present. Avoidantly attached people do want connection — they’re human — but the desire is buried under layers of protective self-reliance. It often shows up indirectly: through loneliness they can’t explain, through grief after a relationship ends that they didn’t expect to feel, or through a nagging sense that something is missing even when life looks “fine.”
Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)
High anxiety, high avoidance — wants closeness desperately but is terrified of it
How It Forms
Disorganized attachment most often develops in environments where the caregiver was both a source of comfort and a source of fear. This can include homes marked by abuse, neglect, domestic violence, untreated parental mental illness, addiction, or significant unpredictability. The child faces an impossible dilemma: the person they need to go to for safety is also the person they need to get away from.
There is no organized strategy that works. Approaching the caregiver brings danger; avoiding the caregiver means losing the attachment figure entirely. The child develops a fragmented, contradictory approach to relationships — simultaneously drawn to and terrified of closeness. The underlying message is deeply confusing: I need you, but you hurt me. Love and danger live in the same place.
What It Sounds Like
“I want closeness desperately, but it also terrifies me. I never know whether to move toward people or run away. I can go from craving connection to pushing someone away in the span of an hour. Relationships feel chaotic and unpredictable, and I often feel like I’m the common denominator. I don’t trust people, but I also can’t stand being alone. I feel broken in a way I can’t fully explain.”
What It Feels Like
An internal tug-of-war between longing and fear that never resolves. Intense emotional swings in relationships — love and terror, desire and revulsion, hope and despair, sometimes within the same conversation. A sense that you’re never quite safe — not alone, and not with others. Moments of deep connection followed by overwhelming panic, shame, or dissociation. A confusing mix of “come closer” and “get away from me” that you can’t fully control. Often accompanied by emotional flooding, dissociation, flashbacks, or a pervasive sense of being untethered from yourself and others.
What It Worries About
Everything the anxious style and avoidant style worry about — simultaneously. Abandonment and engulfment. Being too much and not enough. Being hurt if they stay close and being devastated if they leave. There’s often a core belief that relationships are inherently dangerous but also desperately needed. A deep sense of being fundamentally flawed, unlovable, or “too damaged” for real connection.
Common Dysfunctional Patterns
Intense relationships that swing from idealizing your partner in one moment to hating them in the next
Finding reasons to end the relationship once it feels good — because you’re “waiting for the other shoe to drop”
Difficulty trusting anyone fully, even people who have consistently shown up
Dissociation during emotional or physical intimacy
Attracting or being attracted to unpredictable or abusive relationship dynamics (because they feel “familiar”)
Swinging between a panicked need for connection to feeling cold and detached
Difficulty regulating emotions — rage, panic, numbness, and shame cycle in ways that feel out of your controol
Chronic feelings of emptiness, identity confusion, or not knowing who you really are outside of relationships
How It Impacts Relationships
Relationships feel exhausting — like an emotional minefield you can never find your way out of. Individuals with disorganized attachment find themselves in a push-pull dynamic: they desperately crave closeness, finally let someone in, and then become overwhelmed by the vulnerability and either lash out or disappear. Partners often feel confused, walking on eggshells, unable to predict what’s coming next. The disorganized person themselves often feels deeply ashamed of their relational patterns but unable to change them without support — creating a sense of helplessness.
Desire for Connection
Extremely high but deeply conflicted. The desire for connection is just as intense as in anxious attachment — perhaps more so — but it’s locked in a cage of fear. Every move toward closeness activates the alarm system. The result is a painful oscillation: reaching out, pulling back, reaching out again. The desire is real and persistent, but it feels dangerous to act on.
Attachment Styles and Eating Disorders: What the Research Shows
The connection between insecure attachment and eating disorders is one of the most well-documented findings in the field. Research consistently shows that people with eating disorders are significantly more likely to have insecure attachment styles — and that the type of insecure attachment often shapes the type of eating disorder presentation.
Anxious Attachment and Eating Disorders
Anxious attachment is strongly associated with binge eating and emotional eating. The level of hunger is the same for food as it is for relationships. Bingeing can feel like a way to fill an emptiness that others cannot.
Anxious attachment is also linked to restriction and body image preoccupation. Feeling like you’re “too much” drives the need to be smaller, take up less space, and need less. The self-monitoring that comes with anxious attachment — constantly checking whether you’re okay, whether you’re loved, whether you’re enough — maps directly onto obsessive body checking, calorie counting, and seeking external validation through appearance.
Avoidant Attachment and Eating Disorders
Avoidant attachment is associated with restrictive eating disorders, exercise compulsion, and emotional disconnection from the body. Physical needs are shut down just like emotional needs are. Ignoring hunger, pushing through fatigue, and maintaining rigid control over food and exercise as a way to feel self-sufficient.
Restricting sends the message that “I don’t need food,” just like avoidance sends the message “I don’t need anyone.”
Disorganized Attachment and Eating Disorders
Disorganized attachment is associated with the most severe and complex eating disorder presentations. The binge-purge cycle can mirror the approach-avoid pattern — taking in and then expelling, wanting and then rejecting, seeking comfort and then punishing yourself for having wanted it. Clients with disorganized attachment often present with co-occurring diagnoses including PTSD, dissociative symptoms, self-harm, and substance use.
The chaotic internal world of disorganized attachment often produces a chaotic relationship with food. Patterns may shift unpredictably — restriction one week, bingeing the next, purging followed by periods of apparent “normality.” Food behaviors often serve multiple contradictory functions simultaneously: numbing and self-punishment, control and surrender, reaching for comfort and pushing it away.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Yes. This might be the most important thing to know: attachment styles are not fixed for life. Through corrective relational experiences — in therapy, in friendships, in romantic relationships — it is possible to develop what researchers call earned secure attachment. This means that even if your early attachment experiences were painful, unpredictable, or frightening, you can develop a more secure way of relating through relationships that offer something different.
Therapy is one of the most powerful places for this to happen. In therapy, your attachment patterns will naturally emerge — and a skilled therapist can help you see them, understand them, and begin to experience something new. Over time, those new experiences can re-shape your relationship with yourself and others — as well as with food and your body.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder and suspect that your attachment patterns are part of the picture, you’re probably right. And you don’t have to figure it out alone. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation and take the first step toward healing that goes deeper than food.
Frequently Asked Questions
What attachment style is most common in people with eating disorders?
Research shows that insecure attachment — anxious, avoidant, or disorganized — is significantly more common in people with eating disorders than in the general population. Among eating disorder populations, anxious and disorganized attachment styles are most frequently identified, particularly in individuals with binge-purge presentations. However, all three insecure attachment styles are represented across all types of eating disorders.
Can you have an eating disorder with secure attachment?
Yes. Secure attachment is a protective factor, but it doesn’t make someone immune to eating disorders. Other factors — genetics, trauma, cultural pressure, diet culture, life transitions, and neurobiological vulnerability — can contribute to eating disorder development even in securely attached individuals. That said, securely attached people may have an easier time engaging in treatment and building a recovery support network.
How do I figure out my attachment style?
Most people develop awareness of their attachment style through therapy, self-reflection, or validated assessments like the Experiences in Close Relationships (ECR) questionnaire. A therapist who understands attachment can help you identify your patterns by exploring your relational history, your responses to closeness and conflict, and how your attachment system shows up in the therapy room itself.
Does healing your attachment style help with eating disorder recovery?
Absolutely. When the relational patterns driving the eating disorder are addressed, recovery becomes more sustainable. Approaches like Interpersonal Process Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and psychodynamic therapy directly target attachment patterns. As clients develop more secure relational capacities — the ability to ask for help, tolerate vulnerability, and regulate emotions through connection rather than through food — the eating disorder often loses much of its function.
Can my attachment style be different in different relationships?
Yes. While you generally have a primary attachment style, it can shift depending on context. You might feel more secure with a close friend and more anxious with a romantic partner. Certain relationships or situations can activate different parts of your attachment system. What matters most is your predominant pattern — the one that shows up most frequently under stress.
About the Author
Dr. Kait Rosiere is a licensed psychologist and eating disorder specialist based in Orlando, Florida. She provides evidence-based therapy for eating disorders, trauma, and anxiety at Bloom Psychological Services. Dr. Rosiere integrates IPT, CBT-E, DBT, EFT, IFS, and ACT to provide comprehensive eating disorder treatment.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
