You Don’t Have to Forgive to Heal: What a Therapist Wants You to Know

Written by Dr. Kait Rosiere, Licensed Psychologist and Eating Disorder Specialist in Orlando, FL

"You just need to forgive them and move on."

If you've ever been told this — by a friend, a family member, or even a therapist — you know how hollow it can feel. Especially when the person who hurt you has never acknowledged what they did. Or when the damage was so deep that "moving on" feels impossible.

As an Orlando therapist who works with people recovering from trauma, eating disorders, and difficult family dynamics, I hear this pressure all the time. And I want to be clear about something: you do not have to forgive someone to heal.

Forgiveness can be a powerful part of some people's healing journeys. But it's not a requirement. And the pressure to forgive before you're ready — or when it doesn't feel right — can actually slow your recovery down.

This post will explore where the pressure to forgive comes from, what the research actually says, and what healing can look like without forgiveness.

Where Does the Pressure to Forgive Come From?

The idea that forgiveness is necessary for healing is deeply embedded in our culture. It shows up in religious teachings, self-help books, and even some therapy approaches. And while it often comes from a good place, it can become harmful when it turns into a demand.

Here are some common sources of this pressure:

Religious and spiritual traditions. Many faith traditions teach forgiveness as a core value. This can be meaningful for some people, but it can also create guilt and shame for those who aren't ready to forgive.

Family expectations. Families often pressure members to "keep the peace" or "let it go" — especially when the person who caused harm is still part of the family system.

Pop psychology and self-help culture. Messages like "forgiveness is for you, not them" or "holding a grudge is like drinking poison" can oversimplify a deeply complex emotional process.

Misunderstanding of what healing looks like. Some people equate healing with forgiveness, as if you can't fully recover without it. But research suggests otherwise.

What the Research Says About Forgiveness and Healing

The relationship between forgiveness and mental health is more nuanced than most people realize. While some studies show benefits of forgiveness, the research also shows that pressured or premature forgiveness can be harmful.

According to researcher Judith Herman (1997), author of Trauma and Recovery, true healing from trauma requires three stages: establishing safety, processing the trauma, and reconnecting with life. Forgiveness is not one of those stages.

Other research has found that when forgiveness is forced or expected, it can lead to continued contact with abusive people, minimization of the harm that was done, increased self-blame, and a sense that your feelings don't matter (McNulty, 2011).

In other words, forgiveness that isn't freely chosen can actually retraumatize you.

What Forgiveness Is — and What It Isn't

Part of the confusion around forgiveness comes from how differently people define it. Let's clear up some common misconceptions.

Forgiveness is not:

Excusing what happened. Pretending it didn't hurt. Reconciling with the person who harmed you. Letting them back into your life. Saying "it's okay." Forgetting what happened.

Forgiveness can be:

Releasing the desire for revenge. Letting go of the hope that the past could have been different. Choosing to no longer let the person's actions define your present. A process that unfolds over time — not a single decision.

But even this version of forgiveness isn't required for healing. Some people find peace without ever reaching a place of forgiveness, and that's completely valid.

Why Forgiveness Can Be Especially Complicated After Trauma

If you've experienced complex trauma or C-PTSD — the kind that happens repeatedly over time, often in childhood — forgiveness can feel particularly loaded.

Here's why:

The person who hurt you may have also been your caregiver. When the source of your pain is also the person who was supposed to protect you, forgiveness becomes tangled up with survival, loyalty, and attachment.

You may have been told to forgive as a way of keeping you quiet. In many dysfunctional families, pressure to forgive is really pressure to not talk about what happened. It's a way of maintaining the status quo.

Your nervous system may still be activated. If your body is still responding to the trauma — through anxiety, hypervigilance, or emotional flashbacks — forgiveness can feel premature. Your nervous system needs to feel safe first.

Forgiveness can feel like betraying yourself. For people who spent years minimizing their own pain, the anger that comes with healing can feel like the first honest emotion they've had. Asking them to let go of that anger too soon can feel like another form of silencing.Forgiveness, Healing, and Eating Disorders

In my work with people recovering from eating disorders, the pressure to forgive often comes up in the context of family relationships. Many people with eating disorders grew up in environments where their emotional needs were dismissed, their bodies were criticized, or their boundaries were violated.

Research shows that family dynamics — including criticism, control, and emotional invalidation — are significant risk factors for eating disorders (Treasure et al., 2010). When a person begins to understand how their family environment contributed to their eating disorder, they may feel pressure to forgive their parents or caregivers.

But healing from an eating disorder often requires the opposite of premature forgiveness. It requires learning to honor your anger, set boundaries, and take your own pain seriously — sometimes for the first time.

What Healing Without Forgiveness Can Look Like

If forgiveness isn't required for healing, what does healing actually look like? Here are some possibilities:

1. Acknowledgment. You name what happened and recognize that it was wrong. You stop minimizing or making excuses for the other person's behavior.

2. Grieving. You allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, and loss that come with recognizing how you were hurt. This might include grieving the childhood you didn't have or the parent you needed but didn't get.

3. Setting boundaries. You decide what kind of contact, if any, you want with the person who hurt you. You prioritize your own safety and wellbeing over their comfort.

4. Reclaiming your story. You stop telling the version of events that protects the other person and start telling the truth — even if only to yourself and your therapist.

5. Building a life that reflects your values. You focus on creating relationships, habits, and environments that support who you want to be, rather than staying stuck in the past.

6. Regulating your nervous system. You learn to manage the physical effects of trauma through nervous system regulation techniques, so your body can start to feel safe again.

7. Finding meaning on your own terms. Some people find meaning through advocacy, creativity, spirituality, or helping others. This doesn't require forgiveness — it requires a sense of agency and purpose.

What Therapy Can Help With

If you're struggling with the pressure to forgive, therapy can be a space where you explore your feelings without judgment. A good therapist won't push you toward forgiveness. Instead, they'll help you process your experiences at your own pace.

Some therapy approaches that can be particularly helpful include:

Psychodynamic therapy helps you explore how past relationships — especially with caregivers — shape your current patterns, beliefs, and emotional responses.

EMDR therapy helps your brain reprocess traumatic memories so they feel less overwhelming and no longer control your present-day reactions.

DBT teaches skills for managing intense emotions, tolerating distress, and building healthier relationships — all of which support healing with or without forgiveness.

You Get to Decide

Ultimately, forgiveness is a deeply personal choice. No one else gets to decide if, when, or how you forgive. And choosing not to forgive does not mean you are bitter, stuck, or broken. It can mean you are honoring your own experience and protecting your own peace.

If you're in Orlando and looking for a therapist who will meet you where you are — without pressuring you to forgive before you're ready — reach out to Bloom Psychological Services. We offer a safe, compassionate space to process your experiences and find your own path to healing.

Learn more about our approach or schedule a free consultation today.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it unhealthy to not forgive someone?

No. Research shows that healing is possible without forgiveness. What matters is that you process your emotions, build healthy coping skills, and create a life that supports your wellbeing — not whether you reach a specific emotional conclusion about the person who hurt you.

Does holding onto anger make things worse?

Unprocessed anger can be harmful, but anger itself is not the problem. Anger is a normal, healthy response to being hurt. The goal of therapy isn't to eliminate anger but to help you understand it, express it safely, and use it as information about your needs and boundaries.

What if my family pressures me to forgive?

Family pressure to forgive is common, especially in families where conflict is avoided. A therapist can help you navigate these dynamics, set boundaries, and respond to pressure in ways that protect your healing process.

Can I forgive someone and still not want them in my life?

Yes. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. You can release anger or resentment toward someone without having any contact with them. You get to decide what kind of relationship, if any, you want to have.

About the Author

Dr. Kait Rosiere is a licensed psychologist in Orlando, Florida specializing in eating disorders, trauma, and anxiety. She is the founder of Bloom Psychological Services and provides evidence-based therapy to help clients heal and build healthier lives.

References

Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

McNulty, J. K. (2011). The dark side of forgiveness: The tendency to forgive predicts continued psychological and physical aggression in marriage. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 37(6), 770–783. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21487111/

Treasure, J., Claudino, A. M., & Zucker, N. (2010). Eating disorders. The Lancet, 375(9714), 583–593. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19931176/